Seducing Ginny Weasley
by Infinite Turtles
Summary: Draco Malfoy has decided once and for all to put an end to his craving for Ginny Weasley. Who knew that seduction was such an intricate process? GinnyxDraco humor.
1. Chapter 1

**Seducing Ginny Weasley **

**A Tale  
of  
Ginny and Draco**

-

A Cure For What Ails You

There was nothing remarkable at all about Ginny Weasley, Draco Malfoy thought. Nothing what so ever. Well, her hair was a rare shade of red, her eyes the softest brown, but that was it. Nothing else. She was only a sixth year, after all. What could be so great about her? Except for her laughter like music, and the lively intelligence that permeated all she did. Really, he couldn't understand why all the boys at Hogwarts were so damn crazy about her. After all, except for the way she --

_Blast! _he thought.

Blaise took one look at his face and smothered a grin. "Weasley?"

"What?" Draco asked, starting.

"Are you mooning over Ginny Weasley again?"

"Damn it, Blaise, I can't seem to help it . . ."

"Well my friend, there's only one cure for an illness like yours."

"What's that? Because I want it and I want it right now."

"I don't doubt that you do."

"Come on, Blaise, tell me."

"The only cure for an obsession like yours, Master Malfoy," he paused for emphisis.

"Go on. The only cure is . . ."

"Seduction," Blaise finished with a flourish.

Poor Ginny

Little did Ginny Weasley know that well over half the male population at Hogwarts was panting down the back of her neck (or more likely the front of it). That was part of where her charm lay. She was just too innocent to remain so.

Dean Thomas and Michael Corner were highly envied, but also in contempt for having 'blown it.' Dean said that the dagger looks from her brothers were just too high a price to pay. Michael said that she snored (as if he even knew). No one was fooled by the show of indifference. They wanted Ginny just as much as the rest of them.

And now that Potter had broken it off with her, what was there to stop them? Only the possibility of a bat-boogie hex.

A Tutor in Seduction

"And how exactly do you plan to execute this little plan of yours, Mister Malfoy?"

Draco stared at Snape uncomprehendingly.

Snape smiled, and the expression lay on his face like an unnatural slug. "There are accomplices in every seduction."

He paled. "Sir?"

"You know of what I speak!" Mercifully, the smile went away. "You don't even know how to go about this, do you, Malfoy. The first step is gathering allies. You have Mister Zabini, myself, Crabbe, Goyle. Is there any one else?"

Mutely, Draco shook his head. Silently, he thought to himself, _Blaise, you are going to die a slow and painful death for telling him!_

"You will need more people. Gryffindors. And to get Gryffindors, you will need to work through either Ravenclaws or Hufflepuffs.

"Yes, Sir."

"And Malfoy?"

"Sir?"

"You will need to do something about Potter, and that Parkinson girl who would kiss your shoes if you asked."

"Yes, Professor Snape."

Recruiting Hannah Abbot 

It was easier then he had anticipated. When he broached the subject, Hannah had been only too willing.

"If Ginny gets out of the field," she explained, "then the boys might show some interest in us other girls instead."

"Oh."

"Don't worry. By dinner, I'll have a list of names for you. I think every girl in Hufflepuff will fall over herself to help.

That evening, Hannah delivered him a list of thirty seven names.

"That's all the girls," she said.

Cho's Malice

"Seduce her?" Cho said. "The little hussy deserves to get what's been coming to her for a long time."

Draco wasn't sure he wanted this kind of help, but what could he do? Cho was friends with a Gryffindor seventh year.

Soon he had four long lists sitting on his desk. Nearly every girl in the school had eagerly agreed to help him.

The only problem was, Draco didn't know what came next.

Snape the (Un)Sage

"Get her alone and seduce her!" was the only answer he got from Snape.

But he didn't want it to be like that. He wanted there to be more substance to it.

The Amazing Dr. Blaise

"Send her flowers or something. Yellow roses. Get one of the Gryffindor girls to deliver them."

"Why yellow?"

"I've always thought that red roses were a bit cliche. And they would clash with her hair.

"How many flowers do I send her, Blaise?"

"How much do you want her?"

Draco gave him a speaking look.

"That's going to be a lot of roses, friend of mine."

An Interesting Idea From Hermione

"But who are they from, Hermione?"

"You're a witch, Ginny. Use a spell."

Ginny tried. No result.

"Guess. Who are they from? I haven't got a clue. I'm glad they're not red, though."

"Why? Red means 'true love' in the language of flowers."

"Oh."

The next time, they were white, then lavender, then coral, then pink. Finally, she snapped and went to the library for a look at a book on the meaning of flowers.

Yellow roses- jealousy, friendship  
White roses - silence, innocence, dreams  
Lavender roses - love at first sight  
Coral or orange roses - desire, passion  
Pink roses - desire, passion, youth

She went red right up to the tips of her ears.

In the next row of books away, Draco grinned to himself. Now she'd cracked that old tome, he would have to be sure of the message he was sending her. _Nothing like saying 'coriander, lust,' to ruin the moment._

Kisses In The Darkness

"Trust me, it'll be worth it," was was Blaise had said when Draco was debating with himself whether or not to send the note with the flowers.

_Meet me at midnight in the Charms class room. _

"I'm using Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder, though. I don't want her to see me. Not yet."

"Good idea. Keep this whole mystery thing going as long as you can. Lizzie Jaster, the one whose been taking the flowers for you, says that every time Ginny looks at them, she smiles and goes bright red."

"As red as her hair?"

"How would I know?"

Slyly, Draco added, "As red as Lizzie went when you kissed her?"

"Probabl -- hey!"

"Bye Blaise. If you recall, I have a rendezvous to prepare for."

Blaise shook his head. "Remind me why we're doing this?"

"Seducing Ginny Weasley?"

"Yes. That."

"Because we were both sick of my mooning over her."

"Well, this just seems like a more purposeful, directed kind of mooning."

"Maybe you're right."

Still, he went to the Charms room at midnight.

Ginny arrived a little late. It was perfectly dark in the room, but Draco knew when she was there.

"Who are you?" she asked. "Why have you sent me all those flowers?"

"Shh," Draco said. "Names don't matter." Then he found her in the dark, rested his hands on her shoulders, and kissed her gentle. He could tell that she hadn't done much kissing in the past, but for all that she was good at it. When they broke apart, they were both breathless. Draco slid his hands down to her waist and kissed her again, letting his lips trail across her cheek and down her neck. She shivered in his arms, and seemed to consider for a moment, then wrapped her own arms around him. A glowing heat was starting to build inside Draco as his lips coasted over her throat.

_I could do it now, _he realized. _I could seduce her right now. It would be as easy as breathing. She's just too damned innocent! _

"Go," he said, voice a little raspy. "You'll be hearing from me again soon."

He felt Ginny move her arm against him, then press her fingers to her kiss-swollen lips, as if to see if they had been changed by his kiss. She left him there, alone in the dark.

For the craziest moment, Draco wanted to call after her, "Ginny Weasley, there's no girl alive I would rather seduce then you!"


	2. Chapter 2

The Fourth Step In Seduction

"So it went well?" Blaise asked.

"Yeah, but she still doesn't know that its a Slytherin sending her all these flowers and arranging clandestine meetings with her." _And damn near pinning her to the wall and kissing her senseless. _But he didn't tell Blaise about that.

"So now we're ready to move on to the next step, step four."

"Hang on, that was only _three _so far?"

"One, gathering support. Two, sending flowers. Three, first encounter."

"Damn. If I'd known that seducing her was going to be this much work . . . "

" . . . you would have done it anyway. But tell me, Draco. How is your conscience feeling? Here you are, recruiting half the school as support to seduce an innocent girl whom, through no fault of her own, you have developed an alarming passion?"

"What conscience, _Dr._ Blaise? Glad as I am that you're concerned for my well being, I've never had trouble with a 'moral in the conscience,' or even displayed symptoms of that most deadly of all illnesses, compunction."

Blaise laughed. "Well then, step four. What'll it be?"

Draco considered. "Getting rid of those who stand in the way."

"Potter and Parkinson?"

Draco nodded. "I think we'll be needing Snape on this one."

Gryffindor Blushes

All through breakfast, Ginny blushed. Every time a boy looked at her, she thought,_ could it be him?_ and blushed. At dinner she was still blushing, and her adorers were starting to notice.

"Some damn bastard's gone and kissed her, I'll bet you anything," said Ernie McMillan of Hufflepuff House.

Blaise, who happened to be passing the Hufflepuff table on his way out of the Great Hall, grinned at the words. _You are only too right, _he thought, though 'damn bastard' wasn't the first description that came to mind when he thought of Draco.

In a corridor that led down to the dungeons, he stopped. Some one had called his name softly. He turned to see Lizzie Jaster, cheeks pink with embarrassment.

"I just wanted to say . . ." she trailed off and smiled uncertainly.

"You don't need to say anything," Blaise told her, and touched his lips to hers.

_Damned if I care that she's a Gryffindor! _

Back in the Great Hall, Ginny was still blushing though this time for a different reason.

"Hello Ginny," Harry said as he slid onto the bench beside her. Was it really necessary for him to sit quite that close?

"Hi Harry," she mumbled.

"I was wondering. This Saturday, you know its a Hogsmeade trip, Ron and Hermione and I were planning to make a day of it. Would you like to come too?"

Red up to her ears, Ginny wondered what to do. She'd already told Ron that she would be going with him part of the way to Hogsmeade, as they both needed to get birthday presents for Bill. She didn't want Harry to think of this as a date. After all, she wasn't a silly first year with a crush on him.

"Um, I'd love to come with you guys for a bit," she said, "But I have some things that I need to get done on my own too."

Harry beamed at her. "That'll be great." He was always so nice about every thing. Too nice. He would never do anything wicked, like arrange an anonymous meeting at midnight and kiss her till she could hardly breathe.

_I wish I knew who it was . . . _she thought dreamily, not really listening as Harry told her about his plans for the next Quidditch practice.

Across the room, Draco Malfoy whispered into Snape's ear, "You wanted to help, sir, here's what you can do. Make sure that Potter has detention on Saturday."

"A pleasure, Mister Malfoy," Snape said.

Sabotage By S. Snape

As he prepared his heinous concoction, Snape cackled to himself. The sound was reminiscent of sand paper running over a black board. He even hummed tunelessly to himself for a while. It was seldom that Severus Snape was happy, like he was now, and people tended to prefer things that way. Once he had smiled at a student. She was later sent to the hospital wing gibbering.

The volume of his humming increased as he poured the foul liquid into a small vial made not of glass but of a similar substance that dissolved in sufficient heat. He tried a few skips after putting in the stopper, but that disturbed even him.

Wiping his face clear of all emotion, Snape drifted like a malignant, black-robed bat into his class room. Advanced Potions was a small class, with only twelve students. The lesson that day was tricky, very tricky. Snape himself had taken more then a month to master it. It was a simple matter to slip the vile into Potter's potion towards the end of class.

_Boom! _thought Snape happily. He counted out the seconds. _Three, two, one --_

A boiling hot geyser of sickly yellow potion burst forth from Potter's cauldron. It quickly began to congeal on walls, floors and all over Potter's rode. When the deluge abated, Snape drifted over to the stunned boy.

"Detention, I think," he said icily. "You have not only failed this lesson, but marred my classroom and spoiled some of the potion supplies. Twenty points from Gryffindor. Meet me down here on Saturday, nine o'clock. Sharp."

"Y-yes Proff-ffesor Snape. I-- really don't know w-what went wr-rong."

_Why don't I do this more often? _Snape wondered to himself later. _Because I'd get sacked. _He sighed. _What a pity there aren't more seductions here. They make the place almost -- enjoyable._

Telling Lies To Pansy

"_WHAT?"_ Pansy shrieked.

Draco let out a fake sigh. "I'm really sorry, Pansy. Things have gotten really out of control, and I apologize for that. Do you want me to go over it again?"

She nodded.

"Well, in our third year --"

"When we started going out."

"I was getting to that. In our third year, Goyle told me about this huge crush he's always had on you. "

"Poppycock!"

"Just listen. He was too much in awe of you to ask you out himself, so he asked me to do it for him."

"But you asked me to go out with _you-hoo-hoo," _Pansy wailed. "Not Goyle. Sure, he's hot, but you, your just, just -- just soooooo gorgeous. "

Draco frowned, and tried to remember why exactly he'd put of with this girl for three whole years.

"You misunderstood, and I didn't want to hurt your feelings."

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! I-- gasp-- _HATE_ -- gasp-- you-hoo-hoo!"

_Then why are you making this big fuss about me breaking up with you? _Draco wondered.

"Look, Parkinson, just get over it and go out with Goyle, alright?"

Then he walked away.

Ginny's Thoughts On Draco Malfoy

"Do you know what that git Malfoy did to me today?" Ginny asked Hermione, cheeks flushed with anger.

Hermione looked up, both startled and concerned. "Are you alright?"

"Yes, I'm alright, damn it all!"

"What did he do to you?"

"He -- he was -- _nice _to me!"

"Nice to you?"

"The bastard!" Ginny seethed.

"What did he do?"

Ginny made a visible effort to calm herself down. "My book bag burst, all over the hall to transfiguration."

"Did he cast a severing charm on the seams or something?"

"No! He helped me clean the ink off my books. What was I supposed to do? Throw a bottle of ink at him?"

"If I were Ron, I would say yes. But I'm not. He's been nicer this year. Don't you think its possible that he's changed for the better?"

"No, I don't. What wouldn't I give to know what his ulterior motive is."

Though she said nothing, Hermione thought she knew. In the long run, it was better that Ginny not know quite how attractive she was. She was too kind hearted to play games with love, Hermione knew, but right now she thought that all the boys had just suddenly become a whole lot nicer. Who wouldn't be irritated once she knew that had a pack of ravening males hell bent on winning her heart?

_Well, not Lavender Brown. Or Padma and Parvati Patil. Or Pansy Parkinson, or Millicent Bullstrode or-- well, I guess a lot of them. But Ginny certainly would be!_


	3. Chapter 3

Complications_  
_

_Dear Whatever Your Name Happens To Be,_

_Although I am flattered that you have taken such an interest in me and sent me all these flowers, I must ask you to desist. I have no interest in forming a relationship with someone who refuses to tell me his name and resorts to the covert method of getting my dorm mates to deliver flowers for him when I supposedly won't notice. I really am grateful for the flowers, but this has gone far enough. Do not contact me in this method again, please._

_Sincerely, _

_Ginny Weasley_

"There," said Ginny, handing the sealed note to Lizzie Jaster. "Please give that to him."

"What?" Lizzie gasped, clearly surprised.

The redhead rolled her eyes impatiently. "Don't think I haven't noticed you smuggling all those flowers into our dorm."

"Oh," Lizzie's face burned.

When the still bushing girl was about to head down to breakfast, Ginny add for good measure, "And tell him I mean it, too."

It was no good to think regretfully of that one, perfect kiss in the dark. No. All that was finished now, Ginny was sure.

"Damn," said Draco Malfoy some time later when he had read and reread Ginny's note. "What now, Blaise?"

"Now," his friend replied, "You have to seduce her as Draco, heir to the Malfoy estate, which might be a little harder.

"Too right," Draco said, thinking of the glare she'd given him when he had helped her with her dropped book bag the day before.

Recalling the look on her face, he frowned to himself, then muttered one word.

_"Bugger."_

Haronmione Wepottenger

Ginny felt lonely. For all she was spending her free time with the golden trio, she felt -- cut off. Lonely. She wanted her own friends, not her brother's. But if she sat alone at a meal, then something very strange seemed to happen to all the boys in vicinity. They went sort of . . . dozy. Yes. That must be the reason behind the near-drooling.

Mustn't it?

Did it matter since she was -- God Lord! -- supposed to have met up with Harry, Ron, and Hermione in Hogsmeade ten minutes ago and she hadn't even left yet!?

_"Bugger."_

The Potion Master's Revenge

"Sit down, Potter."

Harry gulped.

"Stop whimpering, boy. I'm not going to cut your throat."

Harry sighed in relief.

A pause.

"Not when there are more expedient methods of killing you at hand."

Harry shuddered.

Snape smiled.

Harry leaned back.

Snape leaned forward across his desk.

Harry knew it was the end.

Snape narrowed his eyes.

Harry closed his own eyes. _Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to . . . _

Harry couldn't remember any more of the words.

Harry was going to die with a lot of things on his conscience.

Harry . . . wasn't going to have to do his Transfiguration homework if he died! Score!

Harry opened his eyes.

Snape still glared.

Harry realized that dying might not be so great after all.

Harry felt a sudden and Hermione-ish love of all things long and essay-like.

Snape smirked.

"Just my little joke, Mr. Potter."

Harry almost sighed in relief, but then he remembered what had happened the _last _time he tried that.

"You'll be pickling flobberworm entrails for your detention tonight, Potter. You may begin now."

Harry grimaced.

Snape giggled maniacally.

Harry gaped.

Snape stopped very suddenly.

"I thought I told you to begin your detention, Potter."

"Y-y-y-yes, y-yes, of-of c-our-rse, P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-prof-f-f-f-f-f-f-fessor."

Harry stood up and walked over to the barrel of flobberworms.

Harry picked one up.

Harry gave it a tentative squeeze.

Harry opened his fist and stared at the mush that now covered his palm.

Snape started giggling again.

Harry wished he wouldn't.

Harry counted the jars of pickling potion that were set out on the table for him to fill.

_"Bugger."_

The Agony of Pansy-Flower

"D'you want to go beat up some first years, Paaaaaaaansy-Floooooower?" Goyle crooned.

'Pansy-Flower' punched him in the gut.

He took the hint for all of five seconds.

"D'you want to go make out in the Great Hall, Paaaaaaaansy-Floooooower?" Goyle hummed, and licked her ear.

"Ugh!!" Pansy shrieked, punching him in the nose.

Goyle thought for a moment. It made his head hurt, so he tried thinking with his foot for a while. It made his toes go to sleep. He tried with his stomach. It just growled at him. He gave up. He listened to the other Slytherins for a minute. When in doubt, imitate.

"Do . . . you . . . " Goyle pronounced with difficulty, "Whant. . . .I mean, want . . . to go make out in the. . . the . . . the Astro-noomy Tower," on home territory at last, Goyle let the final words bellow out, " PAAAAAAAANSY-FLOOOOOOWER?"

Pansy was deeply impressed. She hadn't known that he was capable of saying such a long word as 'Astronomy.'

"You know what?" she said. "Sure. I'm bored anyway. You lead the way."

Goyle grinned in triumph, then his brow furrowed again.

"What now?" Pansy practically wailed. And things had been going so well for . . . a second.

Goyle sighed despondently. "I don't know the way to the . . . Ass-i-snot-omeeeee Tower.

"You complete nincompoop!" she shrieked. "You've been taking Astronomy for seven whole years and you don't know where the class room is yet? Oh, I'll lead then."

With and impatient sigh, Pansy tugged Goyle out of the Slytherin common room by the hand. When they reached the main floor, she stopped, frozen.

She had just realized that she didn't know where the Astronomy Tower was either.

"_Bugger."_

Another Word With Doctor Blaise

"So what next, d'you s'pose?"

"Well, you need to find some way of getting into contact with her that she can't do away with."

"Got an idea!"

"What?"

"Blackmail."

"Blackmail?"

"Blackmail."

"How many school rules do you think we've broken by now? What with all the blackmailing, seduction, and panting after Gryffindors?"

"I think it would be easier to count the ones we _haven't _broken to be hon-- hang on, panting after Gryffindors is aginst school rules?"

"It is for Slytherins."

"True."

"And Draco?"

"What?"

"You really aught to have left for Hogsmeade five minutes ago."

"_Bugger."_

Sorry, Dear

Ron was in trouble with Hermione again. Why did that always happen?

Well, he knew why it had happened _this _time, but why _every _time?

He'd just been leaning over to kiss her, smelling the butter beer on her breath. He loved being so near to her that he could actually name every single food she'd had for breakfast, even if he didn't know already which he did because, well, because he was a very observant person. Thats right, he was observant. Whatever Harry might say (that was, when he wasn't in detention like now) Ron was _not _obsessed.

Not even a little.

Not a smidgen.

Not a jot.

Not a -- oh, hell. So what if he was obsessed? It's a free country.

He'd leaned forward, and smelled the butter beer on her breath. Just before their lips had touched, however, it occurred to his Hermione-befuddled brain that all of Hogsmeade smelled like butter beer, and it was the best smell in the world (apart from Hermione's own, personal, Hermione-smell). Unfortunately, his mind, which seemed to have disconnected long before that point, completely jumped ship and somehow allowed his mouth to garble out the words, "You smell like Hogsmeade."

Unfortunately for Ron, it garbled in a rather audible way.

"Yousmellikehogsme . . . "

Hermione had pulled away, affronted.

"I beg your pardon? _Hogs?_"

Ron, his lips still tingling in anticipation of the kiss they now would certainly not be getting for a good long while, could have kicked himself.

"Sorry, dear, I --"

"Oh, never mind." she scowled at him. "Let's go meet Ginny and the Three Broomsticks like we promised."

As she stomped through the milling crowd ahead of them, Ron muttered a highly disapproved-of (by both his mother and his Hermione) word to himself.

_"Bugger."_

Ginny's Amazing Apoplectic Rage Remover -- Or Was That Apoplectic Rage Inducer?

"Hey, Weasley, Weasley," a voice called behind Ginny as she sprinted into the Tree Broomsticks, twenty minutes late and panting from her run.

She turned to see the last person she needed right now: Draco Malfoy.

"Go away," she said rudely, and moved farther in, looking for the others.

"I think you'd better listen to me, Weasley."

"Do you really." She had just spotted her brother and Hermione -- no Harry, though -- sitting at a table a few paces away. They looked up at her and waved.

Anger was coiling inside Draco. Couldn't she even do him the courtesy of looking at him? He knew it was irrational. But what the hell did he care if it was irrational? He hadn't planned to do it like this. But what the hell did he care about his plans now? He would do it just the way he pleased. But what the hell did he care if he did it what ever way pleased? He --

Draco decided to get his thoughts out of their loop by acting on his impulse.

"So you'd like it if I told your brother" -- Ron's head jerked up; he listened intently--" about all the letters and flow--"

Ginny panicked. She did the only think of to shut his mouth really, _really _quickly before he told Ron about the secret admirer -- goodness knew how Malfoy had found out!-- and kissed him.

Right in front of the whole pub.

Right in front of all the students she would have to face again very soon.

Right in front of Hermione.

Right in front of, dear _Lord, _her brother.

And she enjoyed it too.

Even as her mind screamed _Oh my God, ugh! I'm kissing a Slytherin!! _her lips moved softly against his, and she noticed a certain smell about him, like ice and cinnamon.

In an instant, all of Draco's rage vanished. He didn't know where this had come from, but he wasn't going to complain.

A loud cough made them break apart abruptly. Ron stood before them, a shattered mug in his hand, his face as red as a sun-burned beet.

Ginny and Draco looked at each other and, in unison, they spoke one, highly appropriate word.

_"Bugger."_


	4. Chapter 4

Thank you to everyone who reviewed, and thanks for being patient for this update.

I'll be posting the first chapter of a new humor story soon, about the Marauders, so keep your eyes peeled!

Let me know if you think this story is getting too goofy, and I'll try to rein it in a bit!

-And The Dreamers Dreamed On-

The Mad Madame

Draco winced at the unpleasant wailing noise that grated on his aching head like bubble rap and bowling shoes on persons of nervous constitution.

"Oh ToM tHe TOAD!" sang Madame Pomfery caterwauled. "Oh TOOOOOOOOOM the TOOOOOOOOAAAD!"

_Come on, come on, _he thought as the cast around his arm began to heal the complex fracture he'd received courtesy of Weasley the Elder.

"Why did you CHOOOOOOOOOOOSE to cross the road?" the mad Madame sniffed with deep feeling then continued to murder the tune.

Draco wondered whether the hospital wing was worth the risk: did the benefit of physical health really out way the terrible psychological damage he was probably suffering?

"Yoooooooou used to beeeeeeee --"

_Pleas_e _no, _he thought.

"So biiiiiiiiiiiggg and fat--"

The door creaked open.

"And now you--"

The shadow of a tall figure was cast on the opposite wall.

"ARE--"

This was the moment of truth.

"So--"

Would it be a rescuer?

"VeRy--"

. . . Or a duet partner for the banshee?

"FLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!"

"Madame Pomfery," said Blaise, "I've got a note from Professor Snape saying Draco needs to report the his office of his sentence-- I mean, to hear what his detention is."

Five minutes later, Draco and Blaise were jogging through the castle in search the dungeons, a mournfully masicared tune drifted on behind them.

_"Oh Tom the Toad,  
Oh Tom the Toad,  
Why did you choose to cross the ro-ho-ho-DAH?!_"

Plot By Agents 'Black Bat' And 'Red Hot'

Gleefully, Snape reflected that this was his second batch of detentions to take care of in as many days. A knock made the door tremble slightly on its hinges.

"Password?" Snape inquired suspiciously, leaping to his feet and pressing his eye to the spyhole in his door to see the diminutive little first year outside. The word felt so delicious that he said it again, drawing it out. "Paah-swaah-rrrrd, you lowly student? You knave?" He chuckled to himself. Really, he'd become quite cheerful since this seduction business began.

"P-please, Sir, the password is --"

The student broke off at the pointed cough Snape delivers, then recollected himself and said haltingly, "Oh great and glorious Master of the Dungeons, Prince of Potions, Lord of the Lament, King of the Storage Cupboards--"

"That will do."

"Er, yes, your lordship.I come bearing tidings from His Secretiveness, called Red Hot, to you, Oh Deity of Dampness and Smelly Cells, the Black Bat of Doom."

"Go on. The password." said Snape.

"The password to your most sacred abode is--"

A pause.

"Is--"

A longer pause

"I've forgotten it. Professor Snape, can't I just come in and tell you what Blaise told me to say?"

Snape sighed. "Oh, very well. But be quick about it!" He slid back the bolt and the three foot-something firstie toddled in.

"He says that he's had an idea about _you know what. _Here it is . . ."

Harry the Hapless

"You're doing _what _for your detention, Ginny?"

"Honestly, Harry, its not like he's going to teach me how to brew a poison then force it down my throat."

"Oh, really?"

"Yes, _really._

Hermy the Wise

"So what are you doing for your detention, Gin?"

"I'm being given an extra Potions lesson . . ."

"That's not so bad, really."

" . . .Taught by Draco Malfoy."

"You poor dear. Can I get you anything? You don't feel sick to your stomach or anything, do you?"

"For the love of heaven, I haven't got Malfoy-itice or anything!"

"I wasn't thinking about Malfoy."

"Oh?"

"I was thinking about what you're going to do when Ron asks."

"God help me."

"You'll need him."

"Actually . . . "

"I don't like the look in your eye, Ginny."

"I don't think I need God right now."

"Why would that be?"

"I have you!"

"God help _me . . ._"

Reflections On Insanity

Ron sat slumped dejectedly in the common room, as far as possible from the cheery fire. He might physically be in a warm, comfortable armchair in Gryffindor Tower, but he was in the Mental Doghouse of Hermione, and it was the worst place he knew of.

Besides that, his sister had snogged that dirty rotten bastard Malfoy. In public, too! In front to everyone! In front of _him._

He had tried to explain it to himself a thousand times. what could have caused this burst of insanity. It did run in the family, but Ginny had shown none of the other signs (hysterical giggling, excessive fondness for Great Auntie Muriel, etc.). So in the end, he was left with one solution. Ginny fancied Harry, and was trying to get him to notice her.

Poor thing. Harry would never --

Would he?

Where was he?

A sudden mental image or Ginny and Harry in a broom closet, snogging over Filch's spare mop collection overcame Ron and he leapt from his chair as if electrocuted, screeching, "HARRY HOW COULD YOU? I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY BEST MATE YOU TRAITOR!!"

"Sorry, what?" said Harry from the chair next to Ron's.

"Oh! Oh, nothing. Nothing. " Ron subsided back into his battered armchair and picked morosely at a bit of stuffing leaking from one of the arms.

Somewhere In An Astronomy Tower Far Far Away

"Oh, _there _it is! See! We do _so _know our way around this freaky castle!"

The Bearer of Bad Tidings

"Ron, dear," Hermione said very sweetly, and his head swiveled to face her as if jerked by an invisible string.

"Hermione!"

"Dear, there's something I need to tell you . . ."

Ron, not listening, seized her hand and cried aloud, "Hermione, I swear to God you don't smell like --"

"_Thank you Ron,_" she interrupted repressively, "I'm quite away of the fact."

Cowed, Ron nodded meekly. "Yes, dear."

Hermione reverted to the sweet, loving tone in which she'd begun, perching on the much abused arm of Ron's chair, "Like I was saying, darling, there's something I need to tell you.

She slid a little closer and kissed his cheek.

Ron wrapped an arm round her and sighed contentedly. "Lovyoumione . . . "

"You see, Ginny has detention, for what happened in Hogsmeade."

"And I don't?"

"Yes." a slight frown creased Hermione's forehead. "It seems that its a great offense for a Gryffindor to kiss a Slytherin, but entirely acceptableness for a Gryffindor to _clobber _a Slytherin."

Ron nodded. That made sense.

Hermione, seeming to recollect herself, twined her arms around his neck and whispered in his ear, very quickly. "The thing is, she's been given an extra Potions lesson, and -- love you, Ron -- you see -- you're the dearest person in the world -- her teacher is -- I hope we get married someday, Ron, Really I do -- Draco Malfoy."

That was the trigger for one of the greatest mental struggles in history. Which would win out in the end? His love for Hermione? Or his hatred for Malfoy? Long moment he sat perfectly still, brain a whirl of activity, and then, all of a sudden, he reached an acceptable compromise, and his head didn't explode after all.

Hastily, Ron stood, pulling Hermione up with him, then he leaned over and gave her an enthusiastic, highly theatrical kiss. Wolf whistles accompanied by laughter and giggling cheered his assay. Without looking, Ron knew that Harry would be smirking. When finally he ran out of air, Ron pulled reluctantly away, gasped, and declared feelingly, "I love you, Hermione."

Then, seemingly with the same breath, he bellowed, "I'M GOING TO KILL THE BLOODY BASTARD!!" and with that he dashed from the room.

Hermione stood there, dazed, until she recovered herself enough to shoot Harry a scornful glance and tall him to stop snorting.


End file.
